1001 USES OF THE Q-TIP (Part 1)
2004-06-24-295
ESSAY - MPERS #019
1001 USES OF THE Q-TIP (Part 1)
Now we know that a Q-Tip is a brand name of a little white or blue stick that usually bends. It has a cotton ball at both ends. Each week we will look at a few of the uses of this marvelous modern invention.
1. The first use of the Q-Tip is this. People use it to clean the wax out of their ears.
For this you will need a long one, preferably four or five inches. Insert one end of it in one ear and pull it out the other ear. However, don’t try this at home. Go to the Beauty Parlor and request the operation. Only licensed Q-Tip Operators and handlers are allowed to handle such massive amounts of ear wax. There is a tax for this. It is levied by the pound.
Friends, we need to revolt against this unjust tax. It is the biggest secret in the United States. We have got to get this tax repealed. It has led to the biggest Black Markets in the history of the Black Market. It is so bad, it is what made the Black Market Black. That’s just how long it’s been around.
Just last year, demand for Ear Wax Cleaning has doubled on the Black Market. This is due to the fact of the unjust tax on ear wax. We need to have a Constitutional Amendment to protect every American from the tax.
There are two groups of people who are, of course, exempt from this tax:
1) Preachers, Priests, and Professors on the grounds that they are the dispensers of knowledge and purity, and as such, should not be taxed.
2) Politicians on the grounds that the laws don’t apply to them anyway and it should be a perk of serving the public.
Democrats want to make this function of the Q-Tip available to the general public. They want a tax on each Q-Tip sold so they can include everyone in their efforts to have it included in the Workers Health Care Plan. It should be made available, they say, at least once a year, to every American.
The problem is that they’re trying to get it passed while trying to say that the proceeds of this tax will go to education. We all know that every tax increase in history has gone for education. Aren’t our kids educated enough?
The Republicans want to keep the tax on removed ear wax, the same as it is. At least one Republican wants to reduce this tax by the pound and just have a flat tax. There has been much discussion of the flat tax recently, but most folks don’t know that it revolves around the Ear Wax Tax. Democrats are against the Flat Tax because the rich have more wax in their ears than the poor, thus it would be unfair to make the poor pay as much as the denser headed rich. Republicans are in favor of the Flat Tax, because, they say, that more jobs will be created in the Beautician field if everyone is taxed equitably. This author is not in favor of any kind of Ear Wax Tax.
Everyone will agree, however, that almost everyone needs the wax cleaned out of their ears. The world’s most famous thinkers have had the wax cleaned out of their ears. The stories are Legendary recounting the fact that some of the most notable figures in history were idiots (or worse), and a good cleaning out of the ears turned them into a genius. The prime example of this is Thomas Alva Edison. Cleaning ear wax out of the ears has led to the old adage “Too much on the mind”.
If everyone had this procedure done, there wouldn’t be any such thing as a dirty mind. No longer would people need to go outside for a breath of fresh air “to clear my head”. Their head would already be filled with fresh air.
Imagine, if everyone could get this procedure done at least once a year, there would be no more complaints of being “spaced out”. People could think clearer and cleaner. The Pulitzer Prize would be won by more than one person every year. Test scores would go up, and Cancer of the Brain would go on the decline.
Ear wax is so heavily concentrated with pollution that the Environmental Protection Agency requires each beautician engaging in this practice to place the waste in a special container especially designed for this purpose. It is then taken to a special dumping ground in Iraq and labeled “Weapons Of Mass Destruction” and then transferred periodically so no one can ever find it again. If by chance it were found, the Democrats would argue vehemently that it never existed and the war was in vain.
My friends, this is not the whole story. Ear wax is of such high toxicity, it is the underlying cause of Global Warming. Many people, including key Republicans and Democrats believe in the Global Warming theory, but they deny it is caused by ear wax.
This, my friends, is usage number 1 of the modern miracle of Q-Tips. You will have to wait until next week to discuss more usages of the wonderful invention of the Q-Tip.
◆◆◆
the wordmaster says:
❝I used to tell Q-tip jokes. I just expanded one of them. This was fun.❞
◆◆◆
ESSAY - MPERS #019
1001 USES OF THE Q-TIP (Part 1)
Now we know that a Q-Tip is a brand name of a little white or blue stick that usually bends. It has a cotton ball at both ends. Each week we will look at a few of the uses of this marvelous modern invention.
1. The first use of the Q-Tip is this. People use it to clean the wax out of their ears.
For this you will need a long one, preferably four or five inches. Insert one end of it in one ear and pull it out the other ear. However, don’t try this at home. Go to the Beauty Parlor and request the operation. Only licensed Q-Tip Operators and handlers are allowed to handle such massive amounts of ear wax. There is a tax for this. It is levied by the pound.
Friends, we need to revolt against this unjust tax. It is the biggest secret in the United States. We have got to get this tax repealed. It has led to the biggest Black Markets in the history of the Black Market. It is so bad, it is what made the Black Market Black. That’s just how long it’s been around.
Just last year, demand for Ear Wax Cleaning has doubled on the Black Market. This is due to the fact of the unjust tax on ear wax. We need to have a Constitutional Amendment to protect every American from the tax.
There are two groups of people who are, of course, exempt from this tax:
1) Preachers, Priests, and Professors on the grounds that they are the dispensers of knowledge and purity, and as such, should not be taxed.
2) Politicians on the grounds that the laws don’t apply to them anyway and it should be a perk of serving the public.
Democrats want to make this function of the Q-Tip available to the general public. They want a tax on each Q-Tip sold so they can include everyone in their efforts to have it included in the Workers Health Care Plan. It should be made available, they say, at least once a year, to every American.
The problem is that they’re trying to get it passed while trying to say that the proceeds of this tax will go to education. We all know that every tax increase in history has gone for education. Aren’t our kids educated enough?
The Republicans want to keep the tax on removed ear wax, the same as it is. At least one Republican wants to reduce this tax by the pound and just have a flat tax. There has been much discussion of the flat tax recently, but most folks don’t know that it revolves around the Ear Wax Tax. Democrats are against the Flat Tax because the rich have more wax in their ears than the poor, thus it would be unfair to make the poor pay as much as the denser headed rich. Republicans are in favor of the Flat Tax, because, they say, that more jobs will be created in the Beautician field if everyone is taxed equitably. This author is not in favor of any kind of Ear Wax Tax.
Everyone will agree, however, that almost everyone needs the wax cleaned out of their ears. The world’s most famous thinkers have had the wax cleaned out of their ears. The stories are Legendary recounting the fact that some of the most notable figures in history were idiots (or worse), and a good cleaning out of the ears turned them into a genius. The prime example of this is Thomas Alva Edison. Cleaning ear wax out of the ears has led to the old adage “Too much on the mind”.
If everyone had this procedure done, there wouldn’t be any such thing as a dirty mind. No longer would people need to go outside for a breath of fresh air “to clear my head”. Their head would already be filled with fresh air.
Imagine, if everyone could get this procedure done at least once a year, there would be no more complaints of being “spaced out”. People could think clearer and cleaner. The Pulitzer Prize would be won by more than one person every year. Test scores would go up, and Cancer of the Brain would go on the decline.
Ear wax is so heavily concentrated with pollution that the Environmental Protection Agency requires each beautician engaging in this practice to place the waste in a special container especially designed for this purpose. It is then taken to a special dumping ground in Iraq and labeled “Weapons Of Mass Destruction” and then transferred periodically so no one can ever find it again. If by chance it were found, the Democrats would argue vehemently that it never existed and the war was in vain.
My friends, this is not the whole story. Ear wax is of such high toxicity, it is the underlying cause of Global Warming. Many people, including key Republicans and Democrats believe in the Global Warming theory, but they deny it is caused by ear wax.
This, my friends, is usage number 1 of the modern miracle of Q-Tips. You will have to wait until next week to discuss more usages of the wonderful invention of the Q-Tip.
◆◆◆
the wordmaster says:
❝I used to tell Q-tip jokes. I just expanded one of them. This was fun.❞
◆◆◆
posted by wordmaster | 3:02 PM
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